Howdy, pardner. In a desparate attempt to produce a quality website, ideas fly around.

Some are quality items that would be welcome on anybody's site. Others are not quite so good. And then there are those that are the absolute pits. Make of this one what you will.

A kind of extension to the about me section, here I list my various top 5 things, neatly arranged in tables.

Alex's Top 5's
Top 5 Exclamations
  1. "Arse!"
  2. "Damn your eyes!"
  3. "Shit" (in a Yoda voice)
  4. "Bollocks!"
  5. "Why aorta!" (accompanied by a shaking fist)
Top 5 Weather Conditions
  1. Thunder
  2. Snow
  3. Summer evening
  4. Sun
  5. Big hail
Top 5 Ways to Spend Time
  1. Sleeping
  2. Down the Pub
  3. Watching TV
  4. Listening to Music
  5. Sitting
Top 5 Most Overrated TV Programmes
  1. South Park
  2. Friends
  3. Coronation Street
  4. The Wombles
  5. Blind Date
Top 5 Most Underrated TV Programmes
  1. The Adam and Joe Show
  2. TMWRNJ
  3. King of the Hill
  4. Scooby Doo (not Scrappy though - he's pants)
  5. The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer
Top 5 Socks
  1. Cartoon
  2. White
  3. Black
  4. Dark blue
  5. None
Top 5 Responses to the Question
"Will you do me a favour?"
  1. "Not after last time. Those stains just won't come out."
  2. "Will it hurt?"
  3. "Do I get paid?"
  4. "Only if I get to drive this time"
  5. "No"
Top 5 Women
  1. Sarah Michelle Gellar
  2. Kellie Martin
  3. SMG again
  4. And again
  5. And once more
Top 5 Shittest Music
  1. Rap
  2. Hip-hop
  3. Jungle
  4. Garage
  5. Reggae
Top 5 Top 5's
  1. Top 5 Exclamations
  2. Top 5 Responses to the Question "Will you do me a favour?"
  3. Top 5 Ways to Spend Time
  4. Top 5 Most Overrated TV
  5. Top 5 Women
Top 5 Bad Things to Say on a Date
  1. "Phwoar, get a whiff of that!"
  2. "Can we keep this short, I've three other birds to see tonight"
  3. "Can we keep this short, I have to be back in time for Buffy"
  4. "I have leprosy"
  5. "I used to be a woman"
Top 5 Bad Times to Cough
  1. When the jury say the not in "not guilty"
  2. When a policeman asks you if you have been drinking
  3. Just before the starting gun is fired for a sprint
  4. Just before you finish the "Shaky Hand Game"
  5. When you have a highly contageous disease
Top 5 Biggest Faces
  1. Steven Segall's
  2. Ted Danson's
  3. Brian Blessed's
  4. Vanessa Feltz's
  5. Mine
Top 5 Reasons for Being Naked
  1. You're about to have sex
  2. You're hot
  3. You're mad
  4. You're drunk
  5. You feel like it
Top 5 "Knob" euphamisms
  1. Todger
  2. Salami
  3. Pink Bus
  4. Trouser Snake
  5. Pirate of Men's Pants
Top 5 Mis-spellings of Furmanski (my surname)
  1. Furmarotti
  2. Phermanski
  3. Fermansky
  4. Firmanski
  5. Furmazki
Top 5 Fake HTML Tags
  1. <sarcasm></sarcasm>
  2. <lie></lie>
  3. <smug></smug>
  4. <patronising></patronising>
  5. <shout></shout>
Top 5 'Ways'
  1. This way
  2. My way
  3. Your own way
  4. Anyway
  5. The way I like it, uh-huh uh-huh
Top 5 Cheese Recipes
Suggested by Michael Kelly
  1. Cheese sauce
  2. Cheese sandwich
  3. Cheese on toast
  4. Cheese and biscuits
  5. Jacket potato & cheese
Top 5 Novelty Christmas Songs
 
  • None - they're all shit
Adam Feather's
Top 5 Spam Products
  1. Smoke Flavoured
  2. LITE
  3. Spam pasta
  4. Spam fritters
  5. Spam less sodium
All endorsed by the official spam.com web site, apparently.
Top 5 Songs that sound like they've ended, but keep going!

  1. Electioneering - Radiohead
  2. Since You've Been Gone - Rainbow
  3. Round Are Way - Oasis
  4. The Changingman - Paul Weller
  5. Everything About You - Ugly Kid Joe
Top 5 Fake Jedi Force Powers
  1. Force Tickle
  2. Force Chat-up
  3. Force Feed
  4. Force Shave
  5. Force Kin
Top 5 Nut Varieties
Suggested by Neil Jones
  1. Peanut
  2. Brazil nut
  3. Almond
  4. Coconut
  5. Fruit & Nut
Top 5 Songs That Don't Go With Quake
  1. Raissa - Walk Right Through
  2. Radiohead - No surprises
  3. Any B*Witched
  4. Although B*Witched should be banned completely
  5. And Billie. She's shit too.
Top 5 Slaps
Suggested by David O'Hara
  1. Tripple slap combo
  2. Sly slap
  3. Mega power slap
  4. Misdirection slap
  5. Any slap, so long as it hits Gary Evans
Jimmy Jambeard's
Top 5 Alcoholic Bevarges
  1. Tropical Boranger blend Mr.Ron Sbacardi`s BBBBZBB
  2. Tropical Beach blend
  3. Shmetz
  4. Shmeiniken
  5. Alcospunk
Top 5 "Things"
  1. Things that make you go Mmmmmmm
  2. Things that go bump in the night
  3. Things to do
  4. Things aint what they used to be
  5. A Good Thing (that you can have too much of)

If you have any top 5's of your own, or would like to know what my top 5 of something is then mail me at captain.kumquat@virgin.net